Seeing the bigger picture... WARNING!

     So, as a head's up for all, this one is going to touch on a few incredibly personal and potentially graphic points, so if you are the type to cover your eyes and plug your ears, you might want to go ahead and do so now. Consider yourself warned lol!

    Ok here we go. Its been a few days, so I guess we should recap...
    I shared the jogging idea with my sister, and as I knew she would, she loves it. I was happy to see yesterday that the track seemed deserted after class, so I'm feeling like that will be a good time to go. Buuut I also know that I need to just (wo-)man up and deal if there end up being people there. I'll take any kind of comfort zone I can get lol.

So, one of the most common topics I come across when I talk with other ladies struggling with their weight is PCOS. Just about everyone has mentioned to me that they have been diagnosed, and we have that in common. I was diagnosed in June of '09, and my lady's health doctor said the kind I had was referred to as "cookie dough", meaning the cysts were small and round, similar to the chocolate chips in dough. She said that 3 months of being on birth control would be enough to clear it up, but any weight that I could lose would help tremendously. I was also not having any of what my fiance and I now jokingly call my "evil-gemini-twin" times, or my cycles. I probably went several years without a cycle at all. At that weight, my body could not produce enough hormones to be sufficient to trigger one, so the birth control would also help regulate out my cycles. Today, 3 years later, I decided to stop taking my birth control exactly one month ago. I decided to stop taking it for several reasons, and probably the most emotional and exciting was to find out if there has been a change now that I have lost almost 100 pounds.

     And just like clockwork, I have been an emotional psychopath for the last week, and my cycle started yesterday. Now, its really weird to me to be so happy about something like a period, because I am actually cramping really horrifically today, but I have to admit I almost cried a little when it started.
I've calculated my change in BMI and measurements and was happy with that progress, but I think THIS has been the most exciting change for me. I've lost more than 18 inches overall, and went from a BMI of 57.6 to 44.3, (which, yes, still needs years of work, but a vast improvement so far, I think...) but to see that making those changes and enduring those sacrifices really has made a difference in my health and my body. To be THAT broken and see a piece of that... functionality... healed. I spent years avoiding the doctor's office because I knew that I would just be told that I needed to lose weight, and that I might not be able to have kids. When I finally bit the bullet and decided to take care of business, that wasn't what happened. Of course she did stress to me the importance of a healthy weight, but she was happy to see that I was beginning those steps and doing something about it.

     Above all, I'm happy that something I was so afraid of for so many years is really starting to heal. Even after I started seeing results, I was still afraid that it would be too little too late. I watch those shows about people who have the weight loss surgery and are recovering very well and suddenly have complications and pass away, and part of me fears that I was too abusive to my body for so long, and that the slow nature of the weight loss won't be enough. So when something like this really shows a significant change, a little piece of that fear is replaced by hope, and motivation to keep fighting for my health.

I suppose that is my message today. Oddly, since I'm crabby patties, I think its quite fitting hahahaha!
                                                           Fighting.
 

 

What do we fight for on a daily basis? Our health, our lives, our sanity even. We fight colds, we fight urges to do things we shouldn't, we fight urges not to do things we should, we fight impulses to punch ignorant people in the face, to say things we ought not to. We fight ourselves on any number of things.

So my message to you comes from probably my favorite movie quote. I feel it is absolutely fitting for today's post, and just beautiful. Whatever your battle may be;

"Who is it that chooses our steps in the dance? Who drives us mad? Lashes us with whips and crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it, that does all of these things?
Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we will never die? Who teaches us what's real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us? And Who holds the key that can set us free...?

                            It's You. You have all the weapons you need. Now Fight!"


     Thanks for reading.
                 <3