Seeing the bigger picture... WARNING!

     So, as a head's up for all, this one is going to touch on a few incredibly personal and potentially graphic points, so if you are the type to cover your eyes and plug your ears, you might want to go ahead and do so now. Consider yourself warned lol!

    Ok here we go. Its been a few days, so I guess we should recap...
    I shared the jogging idea with my sister, and as I knew she would, she loves it. I was happy to see yesterday that the track seemed deserted after class, so I'm feeling like that will be a good time to go. Buuut I also know that I need to just (wo-)man up and deal if there end up being people there. I'll take any kind of comfort zone I can get lol.

So, one of the most common topics I come across when I talk with other ladies struggling with their weight is PCOS. Just about everyone has mentioned to me that they have been diagnosed, and we have that in common. I was diagnosed in June of '09, and my lady's health doctor said the kind I had was referred to as "cookie dough", meaning the cysts were small and round, similar to the chocolate chips in dough. She said that 3 months of being on birth control would be enough to clear it up, but any weight that I could lose would help tremendously. I was also not having any of what my fiance and I now jokingly call my "evil-gemini-twin" times, or my cycles. I probably went several years without a cycle at all. At that weight, my body could not produce enough hormones to be sufficient to trigger one, so the birth control would also help regulate out my cycles. Today, 3 years later, I decided to stop taking my birth control exactly one month ago. I decided to stop taking it for several reasons, and probably the most emotional and exciting was to find out if there has been a change now that I have lost almost 100 pounds.

     And just like clockwork, I have been an emotional psychopath for the last week, and my cycle started yesterday. Now, its really weird to me to be so happy about something like a period, because I am actually cramping really horrifically today, but I have to admit I almost cried a little when it started.
I've calculated my change in BMI and measurements and was happy with that progress, but I think THIS has been the most exciting change for me. I've lost more than 18 inches overall, and went from a BMI of 57.6 to 44.3, (which, yes, still needs years of work, but a vast improvement so far, I think...) but to see that making those changes and enduring those sacrifices really has made a difference in my health and my body. To be THAT broken and see a piece of that... functionality... healed. I spent years avoiding the doctor's office because I knew that I would just be told that I needed to lose weight, and that I might not be able to have kids. When I finally bit the bullet and decided to take care of business, that wasn't what happened. Of course she did stress to me the importance of a healthy weight, but she was happy to see that I was beginning those steps and doing something about it.

     Above all, I'm happy that something I was so afraid of for so many years is really starting to heal. Even after I started seeing results, I was still afraid that it would be too little too late. I watch those shows about people who have the weight loss surgery and are recovering very well and suddenly have complications and pass away, and part of me fears that I was too abusive to my body for so long, and that the slow nature of the weight loss won't be enough. So when something like this really shows a significant change, a little piece of that fear is replaced by hope, and motivation to keep fighting for my health.

I suppose that is my message today. Oddly, since I'm crabby patties, I think its quite fitting hahahaha!
                                                           Fighting.
 

 

What do we fight for on a daily basis? Our health, our lives, our sanity even. We fight colds, we fight urges to do things we shouldn't, we fight urges not to do things we should, we fight impulses to punch ignorant people in the face, to say things we ought not to. We fight ourselves on any number of things.

So my message to you comes from probably my favorite movie quote. I feel it is absolutely fitting for today's post, and just beautiful. Whatever your battle may be;

"Who is it that chooses our steps in the dance? Who drives us mad? Lashes us with whips and crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it, that does all of these things?
Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we will never die? Who teaches us what's real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us? And Who holds the key that can set us free...?

                            It's You. You have all the weapons you need. Now Fight!"


     Thanks for reading.
                 <3

It's that time of year again...

Yep. School started. Summer is officially over. My first day back to class was yesterday. Complete chaos. But then again, that song from Billy Madison was in my head all day so that was entertaining.

It was fun though. Nice to see familiar faces. Nice to trek those same flights of stairs and not be as winded as last semester. Nice to be able to sit in those desks and actually have some wiggle room this time. It almost makes me more excited for the semester. 4 more classes and an internship in the Spring and I'm done. I can't believe I'm so close. Bout time lol.

Buuutt... in the chaos I totally forgot all about MFP. Never even opened it. Live and learn, right? Made sure to get right back on track today!!

     I think this is going to be a great semester... I have plenty of stairs leading to each of my classes. After my Monday and Wednesday Spanish class, I have about 2 hours or so free. There is a track, and hopefully a locker room, so I am thinking I might try and convince my sister to start training with me so I can start jogging.

                                              Did I mention I'm completely terrified??

     So, I know I can rock out on the elliptical, and I've been following that with a pretty steep incline on the treadmill for upwards of an hour, but the idea of actually jogging scares the life outta me. I did the C25K once or twice- as in, one step once or twice- and was able to complete the individual step, but never completed the whole program. I can't believe when I watch the Biggest Loser and those contestants run the way they do. If I increase my walk much past a 3.3, I feel like my legs are going to give out. Logically, I know I just need to train them to do what I want them to, but it gets hard when that doubt creeps in and I start thinking I can't do it yet. I've talked myself out of a lot of things that way. That's another thing I need to work on.

     I would love to be able to run. My sister is a Collegiate Runner. My brother is just a ball of energy so he's good to go lol. But when I started this whole shift in my life, I remember daydreaming about being able to just go and run with them. And not hold them back.
That is one of my long term goals. Actually, I think that might be the most emotional goal for me. I have felt for a very long time that I was not an appropriate role model for my siblings, both younger than I am. We have an amazing family dynamic, but my sister went to college before I did, and both are in great shape while I have much work to do. Being the oldest its left to me to set the example, and until recently, I don't think I was. Now, I'm showing them that regardless of the struggle, we can do anything we set out to do.
     So now I won't feel bad about peer pressuring my sister into jogging or walking, but definitely sweating with me after our class together...

                                                                      Muwahahaha!!

     It also occurs to me that I don't do certain things in the gym because I still feel incredibly self conscious there. Jogging is absolutely one, and the idea of jogging at the college isn't much better, but I think the idea of having her with me makes it less ominous. She is the type to turn the table on me when I start whining and trying to back out, and tell me to put on my big girl panties and freaking deal with it. So if she sees this, or once I tell her, I will probably be the one peer pressured! Go figure lol.

     I think that's important though. Especially on a journey like this. There are days I would love to snuggle on the couch all day. This takes a staggering amount of work and dedication, and I'm thankful to have people in my life that aren't afraid to give me a good kick in the ass occasionally, when I really need it to stay on track. At least she wears pretty shoes when she does it! Hahaha!

     Alright, mis amigos, I suppose my message for today is... Don't be afraid to ask for help.
I know for a fact, if I'm being honest with myself, and I were planning to go take that jog by myself every day after class, something would always come up and I would have some excuse not to do it. I'm working really hard to step outside my comfort zone, but sometimes its a HELLUVA lot easier when you have someone to lean on for balance, cus that can be a shaky first step.

 

Thanks for stoppin by, guys! Happy Thursday. <3

 

To thine own self be true. (Warning, it's a long one!)

Naturally, I couldn't get to sleep last night over all the thoughts and ideas now that I have taken this step... So why not get started this morning?

First, let's take a super-mega-reader's-digest-fast-flashback so we are all up to speed...

   A few months leading into June of 2010 is when I finally hit a point that I was no longer content just being lazy and tired and fat. Something finally snapped in me and I decided it was time to do something. I went through a severely painful divorce, a string of disgusting dating situations, and a few that really were not bad at all. Just nothing seemed to fit the way I wanted it to. I got fed up and decided if I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, (which oddly used to be among my biggest fears), well dammit I was going to make this life something I would be happy with.
  I started making changes; I quit smoking, quit drinking soda, stopped eating like I was going to live forever and started getting smart about what I was putting in my body. I saw small changes initially and it was enough to keep me motivated. I met my now fiance a few months earlier and he taught me what he learned regarding nutrition and weight training and exercising, and it was like lightning hit me. Everything finally clicked and made sense. I joined his gym and we worked out like fiends over that summer, and I lost 50 pounds in the blink of an eye. My body changed, I could SEE the changing shape of my body, and feel the strength and stamina building. It was incredible. Then, Murphy's law, I got hurt. Cracked a rib. I was devastated. Anything that increased my heart rate made my chest hurt so working out wasn't really possible. (In retrospect, I probably could have just walked casually on the treadmill at least to get my blood pumping, but that's neither here nor there lol.) 6 weeks later, we hit the gym and it was a little rough but I felt like I was back on my feet. It was a start. The first workout in weeks was followed by a night out with friends I hadn't seen since I started this whole adventure, so it was really exciting to show off my new bod. One of my friends was so excited he picked me up and hugged me. In doing so, he re-cracked the first rib, and injured a second one. It was funny and exciting (Hello, someone actually picked me up!?!), and frustrating at the same time. I was down for another 9 weeks, and truth be told, never really regained my footing.
It was holiday time, my favorite, so I took advantage and made excuses and just never really attacked with the same fire that I did that first summer.
   Fast forward to the following summer, and the (then) boyfriend and I were making plans to get an apartment together. July 2011 we moved in to our first place. It seemed that it would be so perfect for us. Right down the road from a branch of our gym, a great place, beautiful area of town. Close to everything we need. And for some reason, we just could not find any kind of consistency to get to the gym like we planned.
The year went on like this, struggling back and forth between school, work, gym, and us time. I gained and lost the same 10 pounds for the entire year. Kind of bittersweet. I know I'm doing something right because I didn't gain more, but frustrating to be so close and not make any progress.
  We talk things out often to refocus and reinvent ourselves to stay positive. A few weeks ago, we made a huge discovery. When we saw such results that first summer, we were going to the gym at night, like clock work. Here, we were trying to go at 5 in the morning and it just was not working. We decided to revisit that idea and see where it took us. I have to admit, while we do still struggle with motivation sometimes, I do feel a bit of that fire again. I am excited to keep at it and am already seeing progress.

So, that roughly brings us to date...

 At my heaviest, I started at 385. I wouldn't be surprised if it was more, but I wasn't exactly in love with scales in those days. Stress and depression helped me drop to 350, and then I started actively making the changes, and have been stuck between 300-310 for the last year... until we just recently changed things up. I have been under 300 for about two weeks now. For whatever reason, 300 has been my biggest milestone yet. That was a hard one to beat. From now on, everything is a milestone, as I haven't been this small since before I graduated high school.

Another discovery that I made in myself is the reason for the title of today's post.
My biggest hurdles in this voyage have been my lack of consistency, and my lack of accountability. I have been using the MyFitnessPal app (which will now be referred to as MFP) to track my calories in and out, and I absolutely love it. I have trouble sometimes calculating portions when I enter new recipes, but I really adore it. It is so easy for me to use. But I noticed that on days that I cheated, I didn't enter anything, but instead left the whole day blank. It was like if I didn't input it, it didn't happen. Well, unfortunately, my scale doesn't work that way... and neither do my booty jeans!

I came to this revolutionary conclusion that... I'm a grown ass woman and I will eat what I want when I truly want it, and I will be grown up enough to take responsibility for it, and put it in my tracker. Even more so, I made my tracker public so any of my friends can check out my diary. And it has been completely liberating. I eat whatever the hell I want, and track it, and find that I'm not even exceeding my caloric goal for the day because I know exactly where I stand. Even though I'm lovingly chained to MFP, I feel so free. I don't hide anything; if a day is blank now, it's because I'm fighting that consistency, not because I ate something bad. I'm honest with myself, and in the end, I feel like that is one of the biggest gifts from this trip. For so many years I lied to myself about everything. Now I'm free of all of it. I know where I have a need for improvement, but I'm not forgetting where I've been. And so that is my message to you.

Be true to yourself. Love yourself. Regardless. <3

Let's get this party started!

I have been wanting to start this blog for a very long time. I should have started it nearly 3 years ago, as that was the beginning of my journey, but I figure better late than never, right?
That being said, I have absolutely no idea where to start! So where to begin?

My name is Tiffany. I'm 28 years old. I'm a fiancee, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, an aunt, a friend, a student, a curvy retail employee, a gym goddess (well, I like to think so ;P ), and a friendly neighborhood Curvy girl. Every day is a struggle, a triumph, an adventure, and a gift, and every day brings me more comfort in my own skin. Even considering the progress I've made, I still discover new things about myself and learn new things that make my life easier and more efficient, and those are the things that I love celebrating most.

My goal in this blog is to simply share my story. I am forever talking my customers' ears off (as well as posting to Facebook lol) about my progress and practices, and hoping that even part of my story will give people the faith that they, too, can embark on their own journey. I hope to motivate, inspire, and empower my fellow curvy women to follow their dreams, strive for their goals, and most importantly, find a little more Curvy Love for themselves than they had before!

I welcome any questions as I realize I am picking up in the middle of the story so to speak, so feel free!
Thanks for stopping by!