Hmmm... How to start...
The last few months have been a whirlwind of change. I spent plenty of time wishing things would clear up and work out the way I thought they should. Spent time waiting for one thing or another before I really got on the ball with working out. There was always an excuse, always something on the horizon that would make it easier, make it clearer, make it work better.
The truth is, there isn't. Life happens. Things change. The difference between me and the people I see that really seem to have their stuff together is that they MAKE the time to get it together. They don't wait around for the time to find them.
So, at the start of this year, I was waiting to find a full time job, and waiting for school to be done. Those were the big changes I just knew would make it easier for me to find that time for myself. After months of not being able to find a job, and school creeping closer and closer to an end, I started really fearing that I would not be able to find those things and help get my little family back on our feet. Then I caught a break.
I got a job. Full time, and I am using the job as my internship, so I'm doing a little multitasking lol
But interestingly enough, now that I have found those things I was searching for, have I been working out the way I should? Nope. Sure wasn't.
A few weeks into the job, we decided to have a weight loss challenge in our office. Top floor against the bottom floor. But even better, my co-worker and I have a challenge of our own on the side. So I went down with her to weigh in on the first day, officially weighed in at 318, higher than I have been in these nearly three years. I was shocked, sad, disappointed to say the least. Just a few weeks and I had put on more than 12lbs. Well, that most definitely is not the direction I intend to go in now that things are finally coming together, so this challenge couldn't come at a better time. She and I are keeping each other going, and have even worked in a water challenge to get each other to drink more water.
I have to say this is the most excited and motivated I have been in a really long time. I feel like I have been imagining what my life would look like once school was done and I had that great full time job (and those great paychecks) and until now, it hasn't really been what I pictured. This challenge is motivating me to keep myself accountable and really be realistic with my time and expectations.
We weigh in weekly, so the next week I clocked in a loss of 4lbs. Not too shabby. But the following week I gained 3 of those lbs back. Clearly, this is going to take concentration, determination, and no more bs. This week I started using my MFP again, and linked up with a few new friends, and it has been working out great. Makes me wonder why the hell I ever stopped using the app. It really is amazing, and SO easy to use! (I highly recommend it!!) Logging my calorie intake and output makes it really foolproof overall, because there is no questioning where my calories are at, and if I am getting close or even go over my goal, I know that I need to make adjustments to my workout to compensate for those calories.
As of this morning I am back down to 304. Since this whole journey started, the lowest I managed to hit was 296. That's only 8lbs away. I don't really know why, but I feel more positive about this whole experience than I have in a long time. I feel almost excited about making progress and working toward my goals. I've set a series of shorter term goals rather than just keeping my eye on my end goal weight. But what about everything else along the way? Sometimes I forget to stop and enjoy the now.
If I can impart any wisdom here, I hope it's this... Don't get so lost in planning for your life that you forget to live it.
As always, thank you for reading and sharing in this with me.
-Curvy
- CurvyMcFluffington
- One girl's journey to keep her Curvy, but lose her McFluffington... Two and a half years in, 90 pounds down, another 120 (or so) to go!
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Marching on with the madness...
Hello again all!!
Just coming back from Spring break and getting back into the rhythm of everything. Wow did that go by faster than I anticipated lol... but doesn't it always?
So... do you watch "the Biggest Loser"? Yea, I do, hardcore. Don't worry tho, no spoilers cus I haven't even watched the last episode yet. Just an interesting idea came from the epidose that we watched the other night. Bob was wearing a shirt that said "3 on, 1 off, 365 a year". I thought, hmmm... how interesting is that? That's something new that we have never tried. We went to the gym Monday, and decided we were already a third of the way through, so let's give it a shot!
Today was Day 2.
Just... Wow. Tuesdays and Thursdays are already pretty tough due to scheduling, and by the time I get home, I am nearly psychotically grouchy and just exhausted.
(My poor hubby. God bless him and his infinite patience.)
These are usually the days I end up not going.
But you know what, we fought for it and went, as hard as it was. The workout was pitiful compared to what I normally pull, but shaky and awful as I felt walking out, there was definately a part of me that was so proud that I went. The truth of it is, that 400 calories I burned and sweated out is 400 more than would have been accomplished if I sat on the couch pouting about feeling like crap. Now I can sit on the couch and feel like crap and be proud that I got a burn in lol!
I think this is an interesting idea because I would say a good 90% of my difficulities in the workout arena are in my head. I know I trip myself out and then end up struggling.
For instance, when I'm on the elliptical, if I'm fighting to keep going and having a hard time, if I look at the time, or the calorie count, it almost works against me... or I should say *I* work against me lol. I just get the feeling like "Oh my goodness I have SO much left to do", instead of, "wow look at how far I am" or even "cool, I got off my ass and made it here" which is, more often than not, the hardest part.
But when I close my eyes and/or focus on my music, I can instantly feel a difference and I know I just need to get out of my own head. Once I can do that, it flips and I feel like "alright, already made it this far, might as well hit the next goal".
It also fits nicely because we break up our weight training into three groups, so each group will be trained, we'll have a day off, and start the rotation again. The days will cycle differently each time so, for me at least, it will seem new and different each time so I won't get bored with having a set schedule. (Unfortunately, I seem to rebel when things are too scheduled and planned when it comes to working out, which is nonsense because I know it is in my best interest.) If I'm scheduled to do cardio, I go in and want to lift. If I'm supposed to lift, I just want to do cardio...
Oi. Who's got two thumbs and is a phenomenal pain in the ass?? Lmao...
Anyway... It will also mean that without stressing about it, we will be getting the blood pumping 6 days a week (most weeks lol) which is infinitely better than going weeks without working out at all.
I feel really positive and excited about it, and look forward to seeing it progress. Will definately keep you posted!!
NOW, on to the Pintrest Foodie Finds I told you about!
I'm thinking I might just share one each time, cus if I just went ahead about all the pins I'm excited about, whew! I'm sure you guys already know how insane (and dangerous) Pintrest is lol
Ok, so my big junky cravings are usually ice cream, pizza, and some kind of brownie or cake-ish chocolatey goodness. In my search for healthy cheats in these categories, I found a recipe for ...
Dah dah DAAAAAAHHHHH... Cauliflower Pizza Crust.
Holy Cow.
Not only is it simple, it was AMAZING. The texture was different, so you could tell it wasn't bread, but holy damn did it TASTE insanely good.
Awesome awesome trick to have in your back pocket for a rainy day. I know I saw a similar recipe to use it for garlic bread rather than pizza crust, and one of these days when that craving hits, I will most definately be trying that one as well!!
I usually have low sodium tomato sauce on hand, and I used thinly sliced mozz and kept it really simple... and this is how it turned out!!
So this pizza serves 6, and shakes out to about 230 calories per slice.
Woohoo!! Give it a try if it sounds interesting... definately worth it, IMHO.
Alrighty guys, signing off for the night. Hope this was fun, and as always, thanks for reading!!
Just coming back from Spring break and getting back into the rhythm of everything. Wow did that go by faster than I anticipated lol... but doesn't it always?
So... do you watch "the Biggest Loser"? Yea, I do, hardcore. Don't worry tho, no spoilers cus I haven't even watched the last episode yet. Just an interesting idea came from the epidose that we watched the other night. Bob was wearing a shirt that said "3 on, 1 off, 365 a year". I thought, hmmm... how interesting is that? That's something new that we have never tried. We went to the gym Monday, and decided we were already a third of the way through, so let's give it a shot!
Today was Day 2.
Just... Wow. Tuesdays and Thursdays are already pretty tough due to scheduling, and by the time I get home, I am nearly psychotically grouchy and just exhausted.
These are usually the days I end up not going.
But you know what, we fought for it and went, as hard as it was. The workout was pitiful compared to what I normally pull, but shaky and awful as I felt walking out, there was definately a part of me that was so proud that I went. The truth of it is, that 400 calories I burned and sweated out is 400 more than would have been accomplished if I sat on the couch pouting about feeling like crap. Now I can sit on the couch and feel like crap and be proud that I got a burn in lol!
I think this is an interesting idea because I would say a good 90% of my difficulities in the workout arena are in my head. I know I trip myself out and then end up struggling.
For instance, when I'm on the elliptical, if I'm fighting to keep going and having a hard time, if I look at the time, or the calorie count, it almost works against me... or I should say *I* work against me lol. I just get the feeling like "Oh my goodness I have SO much left to do", instead of, "wow look at how far I am" or even "cool, I got off my ass and made it here" which is, more often than not, the hardest part.
But when I close my eyes and/or focus on my music, I can instantly feel a difference and I know I just need to get out of my own head. Once I can do that, it flips and I feel like "alright, already made it this far, might as well hit the next goal".
It also fits nicely because we break up our weight training into three groups, so each group will be trained, we'll have a day off, and start the rotation again. The days will cycle differently each time so, for me at least, it will seem new and different each time so I won't get bored with having a set schedule. (Unfortunately, I seem to rebel when things are too scheduled and planned when it comes to working out, which is nonsense because I know it is in my best interest.) If I'm scheduled to do cardio, I go in and want to lift. If I'm supposed to lift, I just want to do cardio...
Anyway... It will also mean that without stressing about it, we will be getting the blood pumping 6 days a week (most weeks lol) which is infinitely better than going weeks without working out at all.
I feel really positive and excited about it, and look forward to seeing it progress. Will definately keep you posted!!
NOW, on to the Pintrest Foodie Finds I told you about!
I'm thinking I might just share one each time, cus if I just went ahead about all the pins I'm excited about, whew! I'm sure you guys already know how insane (and dangerous) Pintrest is lol
Ok, so my big junky cravings are usually ice cream, pizza, and some kind of brownie or cake-ish chocolatey goodness. In my search for healthy cheats in these categories, I found a recipe for ...
Dah dah DAAAAAAHHHHH... Cauliflower Pizza Crust.
Not only is it simple, it was AMAZING. The texture was different, so you could tell it wasn't bread, but holy damn did it TASTE insanely good.
Awesome awesome trick to have in your back pocket for a rainy day. I know I saw a similar recipe to use it for garlic bread rather than pizza crust, and one of these days when that craving hits, I will most definately be trying that one as well!!
I usually have low sodium tomato sauce on hand, and I used thinly sliced mozz and kept it really simple... and this is how it turned out!!
So this pizza serves 6, and shakes out to about 230 calories per slice.
Woohoo!! Give it a try if it sounds interesting... definately worth it, IMHO.
Alrighty guys, signing off for the night. Hope this was fun, and as always, thanks for reading!!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Happy Valentine's Day, strangers!!
Bonjour, all! I feel like it's almost appropriate to reintroduce myself to you, seeing as it has been nearly 4 months since I've posted. And boy, oh boy, has a lot happened in that time...
*Dramatically takes in a super-long breath like Ace Ventura*
Last post was October first. Happy Halloween! We had a costume party themed around a murder-mystery game we bought. We all got costumes based on our characters and then took so long getting ready we didn't have time to act out the game lol. Still, awesome night.
November; Mom's birthday and Thanksgiving. I made some awesome food, my first turkey (just the breast hehehe) and great family time.
December; the fiancee and I, in a crazy whirlwind of whimsy, decided on the 3rd that we should get married before the end of the year. We got married on the 21st!! I have no idea how we pulled it off in 17 days, but it was a hot mess of crazy, and it was perfect. We got married, by one of my best friends in the world, under a tree alongside a lake. It was absolutely amazing. And no, I'm not pregnant lol I got lost too many times in my Pintrest boards and decided the big crazy affair wasn't what I really wanted after all, so I let him talk me into the impulsive awesomeness.
Best idea ever. <3
January; soooo this is where it gets interesting... I know, MORE interesting?! Yea. So my internship fell through. I was planning to be done with classes in December, but instead I enrolled in a full schedule for the spring. College Algebra, Pathophysiology, and Spanish 201. Whew! How quickly things can change...
So, that pretty much brings us up to speed. Just rolling with the punches!
Today, things are pretty much the same, save that whole "I'm a wife" thing hehehehe. *blush*
We are still on the same road, trying to find that ever elusive balance, trying to fit everything in a day that we want to accomplish, still trying to achieve consistency.
It feels like I blinked and 4 months elapsed lol. Now that things seem to be settling- wait, who am I kidding... life is never settled lol but I definately do not want to go this long without a post again!!
That being said, I'm thinking of starting to incorporate some of the awesome recipes I have tried from Pintrest, as they have been making a big splash the last few months. Thoughts?
Ok, thanks for sticking around in the silence, and I will see you guys soon!!
<3Curvy
*Dramatically takes in a super-long breath like Ace Ventura*
Last post was October first. Happy Halloween! We had a costume party themed around a murder-mystery game we bought. We all got costumes based on our characters and then took so long getting ready we didn't have time to act out the game lol. Still, awesome night.
November; Mom's birthday and Thanksgiving. I made some awesome food, my first turkey (just the breast hehehe) and great family time.
December; the fiancee and I, in a crazy whirlwind of whimsy, decided on the 3rd that we should get married before the end of the year. We got married on the 21st!! I have no idea how we pulled it off in 17 days, but it was a hot mess of crazy, and it was perfect. We got married, by one of my best friends in the world, under a tree alongside a lake. It was absolutely amazing. And no, I'm not pregnant lol I got lost too many times in my Pintrest boards and decided the big crazy affair wasn't what I really wanted after all, so I let him talk me into the impulsive awesomeness.
January; soooo this is where it gets interesting... I know, MORE interesting?! Yea. So my internship fell through. I was planning to be done with classes in December, but instead I enrolled in a full schedule for the spring. College Algebra, Pathophysiology, and Spanish 201. Whew! How quickly things can change...
So, that pretty much brings us up to speed. Just rolling with the punches!
Today, things are pretty much the same, save that whole "I'm a wife" thing hehehehe. *blush*
We are still on the same road, trying to find that ever elusive balance, trying to fit everything in a day that we want to accomplish, still trying to achieve consistency.
It feels like I blinked and 4 months elapsed lol. Now that things seem to be settling- wait, who am I kidding... life is never settled lol but I definately do not want to go this long without a post again!!
That being said, I'm thinking of starting to incorporate some of the awesome recipes I have tried from Pintrest, as they have been making a big splash the last few months. Thoughts?
Ok, thanks for sticking around in the silence, and I will see you guys soon!!
<3Curvy
Monday, October 1, 2012
It's funky in here... and not the cool disco kind....
So, it's been a month. It's been far too long. I have started this post three times now and have not been able to complete it, but I am not leaving this room until it's done, damnit! lol. I keep rewriting it because it just isn't flowing the way I want it to. The same can be said for my fitness life, sadly.
It has been three weeks (approximately) since I have been to the gym, with the exception of two or three times. Appalling. I am very frustrated with myself and my lack of consistency, but particularly my inhuman ability to make excuses and justify everything as a good enough reason not to go to the gym lately.
We struggle with this pattern each semester. It's like I can juggle two of the three tasks, (work, school, gym) but can't quite seem to balance them all together. Not to mention fitting relationship time in there. I even went so far at the start of last month as to pimp out a huge dry erase board with a schedule for cardio and weight training based on time allowance between classes and work. It's gorgeous, and I'll be damned if I didn't follow it even one single day last month. To make matters worse, for some reason I have this mental block about starting something in the middle of the week. If I don't start out at the beginning it feels like it isn't... I don't know, actually. I can't quite pin it. It's very strange. And very frustrating to be so caught up in my own head when it makes no sense lol. So I have been trying everything I can think of to motivate myself. I know that we both need to get back on track. I know that my staggering lack of energy is because I'm not the little calorie furnace I'm used to being. I know that he needs the push and support to stay motivated, and I really need to work on being that partner he needs because right now I have little to no self motivation. I have been really trying to focus on that to help get my head right.
There is a woman at our gym that I have spoken to several times, who goes at around the same time I do. She is pretty awesome. We usually meet up in the sauna and have a sweaty chat before my workout. One of the three times I have been recently, she commented on not having seen me in a while. It stung. And that makes me happy in a way. I need some kind of reaction to it. A kick in the pants to budge me from the couch. I want people to comment on how often they see me there, how sweaty and exhausted and near death I look cus I left it all on the floor and didn't hold anything back...
...NOT how rarely I'm there.
Her voice has been echoing in my head ever since. When we (finally) went to the gym tonight, I ran into her in the sauna again and I told her that her voice has been haunting me all week. She had told me that no matter what is going on, you just have to make the decision, and get off your ass and go. Tonight, I was tired and drained from studying, and the future hubbs was tired and sore (flu shot) and we didn't want to go. But we did. I left the homework on the table at the time I said I was planning to, and got into my gym clothes and that was that. Even had an issue with my shoe, which normally would have probably resulted in my not going, but I knew I had to go. No bullshit. No procrastinating. Most of the time I feel like just getting through the doors of the gym is the hardest part. Once I'm there I'm just like eh screw it... I'm here, might as well get dirty.
My sister and I were discussing this during study breaks, and I told her about my issue with starting in the middle of the week, month, what have you, and she was like "Hey, no biggie, it's the first of the month. Fresh start." I hadn't even realized it, so I thought, ok. Give in to the OCD and start fresh. There are no excuses cus it's day one. So from here on, my goal is to do something that will induce sweat every day, regardless of what it is. I realigned the dates on my fitness schedule to reflect the new month, and will be keeping a log of my workouts in a notebook I have had and never seem to keep up with.
Another issue I have is on the days I work, I usually get home several hours before he comes home from work, which means I have enough time to wind down and get sleepy just in time for him to come home and wanna hit the gym. We have talked about it, and I have been making changes to keep myself active so I don't hit that wall. For instance, rather than coming home and immediately changing into a tshirt and sweatpants to do homework, I change into my gym clothes to keep myself in that mind set. Sometimes even that is not enough, so it's time to break another barrier in the struggle for the hot bod... Going to the gym solo. Getting off my ass with no one to push me into my Reeboks but me.
Going without the other seems to be a big hurdle for both of us. We know we need to put our respective big-kid chonies on and just do the damn thing, but thinking it and doing it are two very different things. Again, here comes my inconsistency knocking me over the head with a club.
("When Godzilla gives you the facepalm, you know the fail is epic.")
I know at the end of the day, it's always going to be a struggle, because I am battling almost 30 years of bad habits and tendancies. But I also know that this isn't a fad or a phase, this is for the rest of my life. I still feel good about what I've accomplished thus far, and am happy that even though I have hit this rough patch, I am not seeing a drastic weight gain, but more of a flatline. Just gotta keep trucking. Keep looking for new ways (and people) to keep me on my toes!
No message for tonight, really. Just an update of sorts. "Never give up; Never surrender!!"
Thanks for stopping by, guys.
Optimistically yours...
It has been three weeks (approximately) since I have been to the gym, with the exception of two or three times. Appalling. I am very frustrated with myself and my lack of consistency, but particularly my inhuman ability to make excuses and justify everything as a good enough reason not to go to the gym lately.
We struggle with this pattern each semester. It's like I can juggle two of the three tasks, (work, school, gym) but can't quite seem to balance them all together. Not to mention fitting relationship time in there. I even went so far at the start of last month as to pimp out a huge dry erase board with a schedule for cardio and weight training based on time allowance between classes and work. It's gorgeous, and I'll be damned if I didn't follow it even one single day last month. To make matters worse, for some reason I have this mental block about starting something in the middle of the week. If I don't start out at the beginning it feels like it isn't... I don't know, actually. I can't quite pin it. It's very strange. And very frustrating to be so caught up in my own head when it makes no sense lol. So I have been trying everything I can think of to motivate myself. I know that we both need to get back on track. I know that my staggering lack of energy is because I'm not the little calorie furnace I'm used to being. I know that he needs the push and support to stay motivated, and I really need to work on being that partner he needs because right now I have little to no self motivation. I have been really trying to focus on that to help get my head right.
There is a woman at our gym that I have spoken to several times, who goes at around the same time I do. She is pretty awesome. We usually meet up in the sauna and have a sweaty chat before my workout. One of the three times I have been recently, she commented on not having seen me in a while. It stung. And that makes me happy in a way. I need some kind of reaction to it. A kick in the pants to budge me from the couch. I want people to comment on how often they see me there, how sweaty and exhausted and near death I look cus I left it all on the floor and didn't hold anything back...
...NOT how rarely I'm there.
Her voice has been echoing in my head ever since. When we (finally) went to the gym tonight, I ran into her in the sauna again and I told her that her voice has been haunting me all week. She had told me that no matter what is going on, you just have to make the decision, and get off your ass and go. Tonight, I was tired and drained from studying, and the future hubbs was tired and sore (flu shot) and we didn't want to go. But we did. I left the homework on the table at the time I said I was planning to, and got into my gym clothes and that was that. Even had an issue with my shoe, which normally would have probably resulted in my not going, but I knew I had to go. No bullshit. No procrastinating. Most of the time I feel like just getting through the doors of the gym is the hardest part. Once I'm there I'm just like eh screw it... I'm here, might as well get dirty.
My sister and I were discussing this during study breaks, and I told her about my issue with starting in the middle of the week, month, what have you, and she was like "Hey, no biggie, it's the first of the month. Fresh start." I hadn't even realized it, so I thought, ok. Give in to the OCD and start fresh. There are no excuses cus it's day one. So from here on, my goal is to do something that will induce sweat every day, regardless of what it is. I realigned the dates on my fitness schedule to reflect the new month, and will be keeping a log of my workouts in a notebook I have had and never seem to keep up with.
Another issue I have is on the days I work, I usually get home several hours before he comes home from work, which means I have enough time to wind down and get sleepy just in time for him to come home and wanna hit the gym. We have talked about it, and I have been making changes to keep myself active so I don't hit that wall. For instance, rather than coming home and immediately changing into a tshirt and sweatpants to do homework, I change into my gym clothes to keep myself in that mind set. Sometimes even that is not enough, so it's time to break another barrier in the struggle for the hot bod... Going to the gym solo. Getting off my ass with no one to push me into my Reeboks but me.
Going without the other seems to be a big hurdle for both of us. We know we need to put our respective big-kid chonies on and just do the damn thing, but thinking it and doing it are two very different things. Again, here comes my inconsistency knocking me over the head with a club.
I know at the end of the day, it's always going to be a struggle, because I am battling almost 30 years of bad habits and tendancies. But I also know that this isn't a fad or a phase, this is for the rest of my life. I still feel good about what I've accomplished thus far, and am happy that even though I have hit this rough patch, I am not seeing a drastic weight gain, but more of a flatline. Just gotta keep trucking. Keep looking for new ways (and people) to keep me on my toes!
No message for tonight, really. Just an update of sorts. "Never give up; Never surrender!!"
Thanks for stopping by, guys.
Optimistically yours...
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Seeing the bigger picture... WARNING!
So, as a head's up for all, this one is going to touch on a few incredibly personal and potentially graphic points, so if you are the type to cover your eyes and plug your ears, you might want to go ahead and do so now. Consider yourself warned lol!
Ok here we go. Its been a few days, so I guess we should recap...
I shared the jogging idea with my sister, and as I knew she would, she loves it. I was happy to see yesterday that the track seemed deserted after class, so I'm feeling like that will be a good time to go. Buuut I also know that I need to just (wo-)man up and deal if there end up being people there. I'll take any kind of comfort zone I can get lol.
So, one of the most common topics I come across when I talk with other ladies struggling with their weight is PCOS. Just about everyone has mentioned to me that they have been diagnosed, and we have that in common. I was diagnosed in June of '09, and my lady's health doctor said the kind I had was referred to as "cookie dough", meaning the cysts were small and round, similar to the chocolate chips in dough. She said that 3 months of being on birth control would be enough to clear it up, but any weight that I could lose would help tremendously. I was also not having any of what my fiance and I now jokingly call my "evil-gemini-twin" times, or my cycles. I probably went several years without a cycle at all. At that weight, my body could not produce enough hormones to be sufficient to trigger one, so the birth control would also help regulate out my cycles. Today, 3 years later, I decided to stop taking my birth control exactly one month ago. I decided to stop taking it for several reasons, and probably the most emotional and exciting was to find out if there has been a change now that I have lost almost 100 pounds.
And just like clockwork, I have been an emotional psychopath for the last week, and my cycle started yesterday. Now, its really weird to me to be so happy about something like a period, because I am actually cramping really horrifically today, but I have to admit I almost cried a little when it started.
I've calculated my change in BMI and measurements and was happy with that progress, but I think THIS has been the most exciting change for me. I've lost more than 18 inches overall, and went from a BMI of 57.6 to 44.3, (which, yes, still needs years of work, but a vast improvement so far, I think...) but to see that making those changes and enduring those sacrifices really has made a difference in my health and my body. To be THAT broken and see a piece of that... functionality... healed. I spent years avoiding the doctor's office because I knew that I would just be told that I needed to lose weight, and that I might not be able to have kids. When I finally bit the bullet and decided to take care of business, that wasn't what happened. Of course she did stress to me the importance of a healthy weight, but she was happy to see that I was beginning those steps and doing something about it.
Above all, I'm happy that something I was so afraid of for so many years is really starting to heal. Even after I started seeing results, I was still afraid that it would be too little too late. I watch those shows about people who have the weight loss surgery and are recovering very well and suddenly have complications and pass away, and part of me fears that I was too abusive to my body for so long, and that the slow nature of the weight loss won't be enough. So when something like this really shows a significant change, a little piece of that fear is replaced by hope, and motivation to keep fighting for my health.
I suppose that is my message today. Oddly, since I'm crabby patties, I think its quite fitting hahahaha!
Fighting.
What do we fight for on a daily basis? Our health, our lives, our sanity even. We fight colds, we fight urges to do things we shouldn't, we fight urges not to do things we should, we fight impulses to punch ignorant people in the face, to say things we ought not to. We fight ourselves on any number of things.
So my message to you comes from probably my favorite movie quote. I feel it is absolutely fitting for today's post, and just beautiful. Whatever your battle may be;
"Who is it that chooses our steps in the dance? Who drives us mad? Lashes us with whips and crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it, that does all of these things?
Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we will never die? Who teaches us what's real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us? And Who holds the key that can set us free...?
It's You. You have all the weapons you need. Now Fight!"
Thanks for reading.
<3
I shared the jogging idea with my sister, and as I knew she would, she loves it. I was happy to see yesterday that the track seemed deserted after class, so I'm feeling like that will be a good time to go. Buuut I also know that I need to just (wo-)man up and deal if there end up being people there. I'll take any kind of comfort zone I can get lol.
So, one of the most common topics I come across when I talk with other ladies struggling with their weight is PCOS. Just about everyone has mentioned to me that they have been diagnosed, and we have that in common. I was diagnosed in June of '09, and my lady's health doctor said the kind I had was referred to as "cookie dough", meaning the cysts were small and round, similar to the chocolate chips in dough. She said that 3 months of being on birth control would be enough to clear it up, but any weight that I could lose would help tremendously. I was also not having any of what my fiance and I now jokingly call my "evil-gemini-twin" times, or my cycles. I probably went several years without a cycle at all. At that weight, my body could not produce enough hormones to be sufficient to trigger one, so the birth control would also help regulate out my cycles. Today, 3 years later, I decided to stop taking my birth control exactly one month ago. I decided to stop taking it for several reasons, and probably the most emotional and exciting was to find out if there has been a change now that I have lost almost 100 pounds.
And just like clockwork, I have been an emotional psychopath for the last week, and my cycle started yesterday. Now, its really weird to me to be so happy about something like a period, because I am actually cramping really horrifically today, but I have to admit I almost cried a little when it started.
I've calculated my change in BMI and measurements and was happy with that progress, but I think THIS has been the most exciting change for me. I've lost more than 18 inches overall, and went from a BMI of 57.6 to 44.3, (which, yes, still needs years of work, but a vast improvement so far, I think...) but to see that making those changes and enduring those sacrifices really has made a difference in my health and my body. To be THAT broken and see a piece of that... functionality... healed. I spent years avoiding the doctor's office because I knew that I would just be told that I needed to lose weight, and that I might not be able to have kids. When I finally bit the bullet and decided to take care of business, that wasn't what happened. Of course she did stress to me the importance of a healthy weight, but she was happy to see that I was beginning those steps and doing something about it.
Above all, I'm happy that something I was so afraid of for so many years is really starting to heal. Even after I started seeing results, I was still afraid that it would be too little too late. I watch those shows about people who have the weight loss surgery and are recovering very well and suddenly have complications and pass away, and part of me fears that I was too abusive to my body for so long, and that the slow nature of the weight loss won't be enough. So when something like this really shows a significant change, a little piece of that fear is replaced by hope, and motivation to keep fighting for my health.
I suppose that is my message today. Oddly, since I'm crabby patties, I think its quite fitting hahahaha!
Fighting.
So my message to you comes from probably my favorite movie quote. I feel it is absolutely fitting for today's post, and just beautiful. Whatever your battle may be;
"Who is it that chooses our steps in the dance? Who drives us mad? Lashes us with whips and crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it, that does all of these things?
Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we will never die? Who teaches us what's real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us? And Who holds the key that can set us free...?
It's You. You have all the weapons you need. Now Fight!"
Thanks for reading.
<3
Thursday, August 23, 2012
It's that time of year again...
Yep. School started. Summer is officially over. My first day back to class was yesterday. Complete chaos. But then again, that song from Billy Madison was in my head all day so that was entertaining.
It was fun though. Nice to see familiar faces. Nice to trek those same flights of stairs and not be as winded as last semester. Nice to be able to sit in those desks and actually have some wiggle room this time. It almost makes me more excited for the semester. 4 more classes and an internship in the Spring and I'm done. I can't believe I'm so close. Bout time lol.
Buuutt... in the chaos I totally forgot all about MFP. Never even opened it. Live and learn, right? Made sure to get right back on track today!!
I think this is going to be a great semester... I have plenty of stairs leading to each of my classes. After my Monday and Wednesday Spanish class, I have about 2 hours or so free. There is a track, and hopefully a locker room, so I am thinking I might try and convince my sister to start training with me so I can start jogging.
Did I mention I'm completely terrified??
So, I know I can rock out on the elliptical, and I've been following that with a pretty steep incline on the treadmill for upwards of an hour, but the idea of actually jogging scares the life outta me. I did the C25K once or twice- as in, one step once or twice- and was able to complete the individual step, but never completed the whole program. I can't believe when I watch the Biggest Loser and those contestants run the way they do. If I increase my walk much past a 3.3, I feel like my legs are going to give out. Logically, I know I just need to train them to do what I want them to, but it gets hard when that doubt creeps in and I start thinking I can't do it yet. I've talked myself out of a lot of things that way. That's another thing I need to work on.
I would love to be able to run. My sister is a Collegiate Runner. My brother is just a ball of energy so he's good to go lol. But when I started this whole shift in my life, I remember daydreaming about being able to just go and run with them. And not hold them back.
That is one of my long term goals. Actually, I think that might be the most emotional goal for me. I have felt for a very long time that I was not an appropriate role model for my siblings, both younger than I am. We have an amazing family dynamic, but my sister went to college before I did, and both are in great shape while I have much work to do. Being the oldest its left to me to set the example, and until recently, I don't think I was. Now, I'm showing them that regardless of the struggle, we can do anything we set out to do.
So now I won't feel bad about peer pressuring my sister into jogging or walking, but definitely sweating with me after our class together...
Muwahahaha!!
It also occurs to me that I don't do certain things in the gym because I still feel incredibly self conscious there. Jogging is absolutely one, and the idea of jogging at the college isn't much better, but I think the idea of having her with me makes it less ominous. She is the type to turn the table on me when I start whining and trying to back out, and tell me to put on my big girl panties and freaking deal with it. So if she sees this, or once I tell her, I will probably be the one peer pressured! Go figure lol.
I think that's important though. Especially on a journey like this. There are days I would love to snuggle on the couch all day. This takes a staggering amount of work and dedication, and I'm thankful to have people in my life that aren't afraid to give me a good kick in the ass occasionally, when I really need it to stay on track. At least she wears pretty shoes when she does it! Hahaha!
Alright, mis amigos, I suppose my message for today is... Don't be afraid to ask for help.
I know for a fact, if I'm being honest with myself, and I were planning to go take that jog by myself every day after class, something would always come up and I would have some excuse not to do it. I'm working really hard to step outside my comfort zone, but sometimes its a HELLUVA lot easier when you have someone to lean on for balance, cus that can be a shaky first step.
It was fun though. Nice to see familiar faces. Nice to trek those same flights of stairs and not be as winded as last semester. Nice to be able to sit in those desks and actually have some wiggle room this time. It almost makes me more excited for the semester. 4 more classes and an internship in the Spring and I'm done. I can't believe I'm so close. Bout time lol.
Buuutt... in the chaos I totally forgot all about MFP. Never even opened it. Live and learn, right? Made sure to get right back on track today!!
I think this is going to be a great semester... I have plenty of stairs leading to each of my classes. After my Monday and Wednesday Spanish class, I have about 2 hours or so free. There is a track, and hopefully a locker room, so I am thinking I might try and convince my sister to start training with me so I can start jogging.
Did I mention I'm completely terrified??
I would love to be able to run. My sister is a Collegiate Runner. My brother is just a ball of energy so he's good to go lol. But when I started this whole shift in my life, I remember daydreaming about being able to just go and run with them. And not hold them back.
That is one of my long term goals. Actually, I think that might be the most emotional goal for me. I have felt for a very long time that I was not an appropriate role model for my siblings, both younger than I am. We have an amazing family dynamic, but my sister went to college before I did, and both are in great shape while I have much work to do. Being the oldest its left to me to set the example, and until recently, I don't think I was. Now, I'm showing them that regardless of the struggle, we can do anything we set out to do.
So now I won't feel bad about peer pressuring my sister into jogging or walking, but definitely sweating with me after our class together...
Muwahahaha!!
It also occurs to me that I don't do certain things in the gym because I still feel incredibly self conscious there. Jogging is absolutely one, and the idea of jogging at the college isn't much better, but I think the idea of having her with me makes it less ominous. She is the type to turn the table on me when I start whining and trying to back out, and tell me to put on my big girl panties and freaking deal with it. So if she sees this, or once I tell her, I will probably be the one peer pressured! Go figure lol.
I think that's important though. Especially on a journey like this. There are days I would love to snuggle on the couch all day. This takes a staggering amount of work and dedication, and I'm thankful to have people in my life that aren't afraid to give me a good kick in the ass occasionally, when I really need it to stay on track. At least she wears pretty shoes when she does it! Hahaha!
Alright, mis amigos, I suppose my message for today is... Don't be afraid to ask for help.
I know for a fact, if I'm being honest with myself, and I were planning to go take that jog by myself every day after class, something would always come up and I would have some excuse not to do it. I'm working really hard to step outside my comfort zone, but sometimes its a HELLUVA lot easier when you have someone to lean on for balance, cus that can be a shaky first step.
Thanks for stoppin by, guys! Happy Thursday. <3
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
To thine own self be true. (Warning, it's a long one!)
Naturally, I couldn't get to sleep last night over all the thoughts and ideas now that I have taken this step... So why not get started this morning?
First, let's take a super-mega-reader's-digest-fast-flashback so we are all up to speed...
A few months leading into June of 2010 is when I finally hit a point that I was no longer content just being lazy and tired and fat. Something finally snapped in me and I decided it was time to do something. I went through a severely painful divorce, a string of disgusting dating situations, and a few that really were not bad at all. Just nothing seemed to fit the way I wanted it to. I got fed up and decided if I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, (which oddly used to be among my biggest fears), well dammit I was going to make this life something I would be happy with.
I started making changes; I quit smoking, quit drinking soda, stopped eating like I was going to live forever and started getting smart about what I was putting in my body. I saw small changes initially and it was enough to keep me motivated. I met my now fiance a few months earlier and he taught me what he learned regarding nutrition and weight training and exercising, and it was like lightning hit me. Everything finally clicked and made sense. I joined his gym and we worked out like fiends over that summer, and I lost 50 pounds in the blink of an eye. My body changed, I could SEE the changing shape of my body, and feel the strength and stamina building. It was incredible. Then, Murphy's law, I got hurt. Cracked a rib. I was devastated. Anything that increased my heart rate made my chest hurt so working out wasn't really possible. (In retrospect, I probably could have just walked casually on the treadmill at least to get my blood pumping, but that's neither here nor there lol.) 6 weeks later, we hit the gym and it was a little rough but I felt like I was back on my feet. It was a start. The first workout in weeks was followed by a night out with friends I hadn't seen since I started this whole adventure, so it was really exciting to show off my new bod. One of my friends was so excited he picked me up and hugged me. In doing so, he re-cracked the first rib, and injured a second one. It was funny and exciting (Hello, someone actually picked me up!?!), and frustrating at the same time. I was down for another 9 weeks, and truth be told, never really regained my footing.
It was holiday time, my favorite, so I took advantage and made excuses and just never really attacked with the same fire that I did that first summer.
Fast forward to the following summer, and the (then) boyfriend and I were making plans to get an apartment together. July 2011 we moved in to our first place. It seemed that it would be so perfect for us. Right down the road from a branch of our gym, a great place, beautiful area of town. Close to everything we need. And for some reason, we just could not find any kind of consistency to get to the gym like we planned.
The year went on like this, struggling back and forth between school, work, gym, and us time. I gained and lost the same 10 pounds for the entire year. Kind of bittersweet. I know I'm doing something right because I didn't gain more, but frustrating to be so close and not make any progress.
We talk things out often to refocus and reinvent ourselves to stay positive. A few weeks ago, we made a huge discovery. When we saw such results that first summer, we were going to the gym at night, like clock work. Here, we were trying to go at 5 in the morning and it just was not working. We decided to revisit that idea and see where it took us. I have to admit, while we do still struggle with motivation sometimes, I do feel a bit of that fire again. I am excited to keep at it and am already seeing progress.
So, that roughly brings us to date...
Another discovery that I made in myself is the reason for the title of today's post.
My biggest hurdles in this voyage have been my lack of consistency, and my lack of accountability. I have been using the MyFitnessPal app (which will now be referred to as MFP) to track my calories in and out, and I absolutely love it. I have trouble sometimes calculating portions when I enter new recipes, but I really adore it. It is so easy for me to use. But I noticed that on days that I cheated, I didn't enter anything, but instead left the whole day blank. It was like if I didn't input it, it didn't happen. Well, unfortunately, my scale doesn't work that way... and neither do my booty jeans!
I came to this revolutionary conclusion that... I'm a grown ass woman and I will eat what I want when I truly want it, and I will be grown up enough to take responsibility for it, and put it in my tracker. Even more so, I made my tracker public so any of my friends can check out my diary. And it has been completely liberating. I eat whatever the hell I want, and track it, and find that I'm not even exceeding my caloric goal for the day because I know exactly where I stand. Even though I'm lovingly chained to MFP, I feel so free. I don't hide anything; if a day is blank now, it's because I'm fighting that consistency, not because I ate something bad. I'm honest with myself, and in the end, I feel like that is one of the biggest gifts from this trip. For so many years I lied to myself about everything. Now I'm free of all of it. I know where I have a need for improvement, but I'm not forgetting where I've been. And so that is my message to you.
Be true to yourself. Love yourself. Regardless. <3
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